all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
