Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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