we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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