Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
