I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Randomize
