the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
