I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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