Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
