I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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