Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
