i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
