don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
