I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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