i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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