I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
