I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I smell stomach acid.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
