Betty ford says i'm here all night
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
