dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
