my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
