I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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