I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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