I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
