I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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