and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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