I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
