Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
