Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
