xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
