I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You smell like stripper and shame
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
