i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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