Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
