i need an iv and a liver transplant
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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