guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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