I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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