My first STD was from a foam party
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
