I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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