Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
