My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
