They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
