Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
