I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Sober January is a disaster.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
