No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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