i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
