i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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