If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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