textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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