cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
