i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
