4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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