i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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