I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
