Plan B is the new Plan A
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Panties = found
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
